Monday, July 13, 2009

I'd been looking at my treadmill for days, a week even. You'd think if i spent all that money getting it fixed i would be jumping at every oppurtunity to use it. NOT. It took me more than a week but yesterday, i did it. I only got in one lap before my back started hurting again but i ended up with three laps. It felt good. Good that i got it done and i fell like i've begun. Today i did it again.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

My Life is Out of Control

I have to do something, my life is out of control. Only what do i do? If i knew and more importantly had the will power and self motivation to do it i wouldn't be in this place of dread and self loathing. I'm back up to 308 only 12 pounds from my highest point ever. I hate it. Week before last my husband brought my treadmill in from out of storage. Of course it didn't work. I waited another week for the repair guy to come and charge me almost $400 to fix it. Now here it is a week after that and i haven't gone near it. I just knew if it were here i would use it. How much easier could it be? i want to use it, I know i would feel better afterward. Why haven't i done it? I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold, cuz it's not, it's flying by me and I'm missing it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm substandard, I'm not even sure what I'm substandard to. I'm just tired of feeling like it. I'm mostly tired of my husband. He won't go away. I guess he thinks I'm not serious about I feel like this marriage is not working and done trying. Why does he think he can make me love him?

I'm going to NC on Aug 18 and will turn 36 on Aug 20. I'd like to think that I'm going straighten up and "get busy", I'm gonna try. . .