Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Truth IS

sorry it took so long for the reveal. but here it is for those who care. . .

1)My family and I recently moved from Asheville NC, where Andie McDowell lives when she's not acting, modeling and what ever. When my daughter was little i used to take a water aerobics class at the YMCA, I had heard that she often works out up there but hadn't seen her. One day after my class i went to the child care to pick up my daughter. She was happy to see me and glad to be going, she went running through the door, down the hall and around the corner right into Ms. McDowell. My daughter fell to the ground, startled by the bump. Andie helped her to her feet, smiling at her. I was horrified, apologized and quickly left.

2) My husband is always coming up with ways to be his own boss. We opened a Go Kart track but lost our lease when the property owner sold it and they built a strip mall. We then got into the inflatable jump houses and such. The insurance became too high to make any money. Then came the Ice Cream Truck. It is a handy way of making extra money.

3) My mother and I do have matching tattoo's. She got tattooed first and I liked it so much i got one to match.

4) Billy Graham attended Montreat Presbyterian Church when he is home in Black Mountain NC. As a girl, when i lived at the Presbyterian Home for Children we also attended the same church. Some of the kids would go talk to him after the service, i went along but never really talked to him.

5) I am NOT terrified of rats. I actually had a pet rat when i was in high school. Chester. He was the best darn rat a gal could have.

6) See #4 Our Family Therapist told my mother to get rid of her children back in the mid 80's. This was after she was told to spank us every night and that wasn't working. My mother was having a mini mid-life crisis and did what the "experts" said. I guess it was better than drowning us in the bathtub or locking us in the car and driving it into John D Long Lake. Really I have no sympathy for mothers that kill thier kids, there are legal ways of getting rid of your children. My mom and I are best friends now, I know she was just doing the best she could with what she had to work with at the time.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

"A" day

When I was young, about 16 or 17, I worked at Taco Bell. I loved working at Taco Bell. The best people worked there. I made lots of friends and always had someone to hang out with before, after and during work. One gal often comes back into my mind. Her name was Michelle. Not long after she started working there a rumor started going around that she was schizophrenic, she was somewhat odd, but schizophrenic? I asked how do you know? I was told that she told someone this. I was curious, so I asked her. She told me she was and that she was seeing a therapist regularly. She and I quickly became friends. She was funny, quick witted and loyal, all the best qualities a friend could have. One night after closing she seem down and sad. I asked what was up, and all she would say it that she wasn't having an "A" day. I asked what she meant by this and she told me of a technique that her therapist and her were working on. Every night she would look back on her day and give it a grade, "A" thur "F", like a report card. If it was an "A" day, find what made it an "A" day and implement those same things into the next day. If it was not an"A" day, decide what went wrong and think of ways to overcome these problems tomorrow so an "A" day could be achieved.

It's been almost 20 years since that conversation and I often come back to it in my mind. It can be applied to every aspect of living. . . mental illness, parenting, marriage, work and even dieting.

Today, I achieved an "A" day!! Even better than yesterday. I'm going to look for ways to make tomorrow just as successful, even better!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Today was Fabulous!

Yesterday sucked! I have really been struggling with getting this healthier lifestyle started. I had become very content with my weight and life. I honestly found comfort in being overweight and it is or was really hard for me to get past that. Because I was so content with my weight I never admitted that there was a problem. Told myself quite often that I don't overeat. I had this self image of me that was just slightly plump. I now know that I pasted plump about 18 years ago. I am morbidly overweight. I was sitting in Krystal's yesterday having a small snack. 2 cheese Krystal's, a corn pup, chicken bites, fries and a small diet coke. I sat in the back corner and looked around the very very small lobby of this place and noticed that there was mirrors on all the walls that didn't have windows. I followed the mirrors with my eyes around the walls until I came to an unfamiliar face. It was me. I was gross. I sat and stared at the reflection. What have I done? How could I have allowed myself to get to this point? I wanted to cry but I was in such shook that I couldn't. Something inside of me at that moment snapped. Maybe it was a gift from God, like the day He took away my addiction to shopping. I never want to feel that way again when I look at myself.
I've learned from blogging that I am an emotional eater, I never knew what that meant. I also eat when I'm bored. I need to keep busy. My mom scrapbooks, I used to sew but haven't in months and month. You can usually find me right here on the computer. It does keep me occupied and my mind off of shoving food into my mouth.

I woke up today with a renewed sense of determination. Come he11 or high water I'm going to do this. I'm going to turn my life around. I feel like I'll die if i don't and we all know that's true. If I keep going at this pace I'll be dead in ten years.

I had training all day so today was a breeze. I packed a lunch and lots of healthy snacks. I make my am coffee but today I used Splenda instead of sugar and it was good. I took two 33.8oz bottles of water, which i drank. I used low fat dressing instead of mayo on my sandwich. I am just really proud of my good choices, and today, unlike all the days that lead up to today, was easy. I didn't struggle, I never panicked. I just planned and followed through. My mother and I went for a walk around the building and down the dead end road during our lunch break. Today was fabulous!! I can only pray that tomorrow is half a good.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Would I lie to YOU?

Today I’m going to lie to you! Thank you very much to Lidian , Hanlie and Life Should Be Stereo Each Day . I want you to expose the lie!

The rules are:
- Link to the person who tagged you. Done.
- Post the rules on your blog. Done.
- Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Done.
- Tag six people and at the end of your post, link to their blogs. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether you want to do it or not.
- Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. If you are going to do it, please leave me a comment.
- The twist here is, one of the statements is a lie! You have to guess which one and let me know in comments.

  • I used to go to the YMCA with Andi McDowell.
  • I own a fully stocked Ice Cream Truck.
  • My mother and I have matching tattoo's.
  • I've meet Billy Graham.
  • I'm TERRIFIED of Rats.
  • When I was a child I lived in a Home for Children.

Okay, lying over! or this meme...Like most people I've seen who've done it, I am going to invite anyone who wants to do it, to please do so! Please leave me a comment telling that you have, because I would love to read them and see what you have to say! The rules are that you have to list six non-important things about yourself, but one of them is a lie.

Friday, January 25, 2008

A Meme - Eight Things

Eight Things I Am Passionate About
1) my faith in God
2) my husband and marriage
3) my daughter
4) my family and friends
5) my pets Bob our bichon and yellson my cat
6) sewing
7) laundry
8) my work with the disabled

Eight Things I Want to Do Before I Die
1) Be fit and weigh less than 200 lbs!
2) Take a cruise to Bermuda and Alaska
3) Grow my business so big that i don't have to work
4) Get another tattoo
5) Have all my debt paid, including homes and cars
6) Meet my great grand children
7) Go to New York City
8) Be Organized

Eight Things I Say Often
1) “I love you.”
2) “I love you too."
3) “What are you doing?”
4) “Bob needs to go out.”
5) “Did you take Bob out?”
6) “I gotta call my mom”
7) “Honey. . .?”
8) “Put your seat belt on”

Eight Books I’ve Read Recently
1) The Bible
2) Codependent No More
3) Courage to Change
4) The Complete Book of Food Counts
5) The Language of Love
6) Gone with the Wind
7) 15 Minutes Alone with God
8) SLC Handbook

Eight Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over Again
1) Love Remains - Andy Chrisman
2) What If - Jadon Lavik
3) I'm Not Who I Was - Brandon Heath
4) Lady Magic - Ben Taylor
5) Something In The Way She Moves - James Taylor
6) Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie
7) Does Anybody Hear Her - Casting Crowns
8) Nothing Left To Loose - Mat Kearney

Eight Movies I Have Seen Eight Times (or more…)
1) Gone with the Wind
2) Pride and Prejudice (BBC version, my mother has seen it 50+ times)
3) Say Anything
4) In the Cut
5) The Majestic
6) The Red Violin
7) Titanic
8) Sixteen Candles (but not in about 10 years)

Last, but not least…Eight People Who Should Do This Meme Feel free to play along, everyone! Let me know if you do so I can visit your blog and read your answers. :)

Thanks Chubby Chick

Monday, January 21, 2008

My new plan? One step at a time.

I want to thank everyone that stopped by in reference to my last blog and offered advice and encouragement. I have evaluated this advice and decided that it all is true. I am trying to do too much too soon. I needed to step back and reassess this "lifestyle change" of mine. I have way way too many things going on in my life that are out of control and not succeeding at my diet is just one more thing that i beat myself up about that i felt was also out of control. NOT that eating unhealthy, whatever, whenever was in control, but, I felt so bad because i wanted to do good and wasn't sticking to what at the time was my plan. I do need to make small manageable changes, changes that i can feel in control of and that won't overwhelm an already overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed out and over worked me. The first change is going to be to EXERCISE. Yes, exercise, there i said it. . . . I am going to exercise. I was in such bad shape this time last year. I could barely make it up the 5 steps to our house without being out of breath and my heart racing. I have already become so much more active! We have a two acre piece of property, the other day, Bob (our dog) and I, mini-jogged half the length of it. I wasn't too outta breath and i didn't want to fall out. This is a huge accomplishment for me. So, I plan to exercise at least 20 minutes a day 5 days a week. I will raise this amount as i need to be challenged more and more. The second change i will make is that i will drink more water, I love my sweet tea and it is really hard for me to give it up. I think if I just say, no more sweet tea than i would just drink other high calorie beverages. So I will allow myself my coffee in the morning and a V8 if I'm feeling froggy but the rest of the day i need to stick to water. This all by itself is an ordeal for me, I didn't realize how comforting my sweet tea was to me. I wish i could make the same association with water.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Well, I've done it again, I fell off the wagon. I have no will power, no self control and no respect for myself. Always looking for the easy way out. I hate that about me. I used to think that being an under achiever was a survival technique from childhood, and it may have been, but somewhere along the way it became a way of life. Even being overweight became comforting to me. No one ever expects too much from the fat girl. Overlooked, easily forgotten and passed up.

Monday, January 14, 2008

today wasn't so good food wise, i overdid it quite a bit. I was home all day and of course got bored. I was trying to get some paperwork done and get a little organization going on. I had an interview at 5pm which went well i think but honestly i don't even know if i have the time that this person would require. That was the only time i left the house today. It was nice to spend the day at home with my daughter, i sometimes feel like i don't see her enough. She's outta school Friday and we have made plans for skating on Thursday night and her dad and i will take her to the movies Friday. I have a full day tomorrow so i will have to take my bag so i don't overdo it again.
My cat, yellson, has been especially needy today, maybe he knows that i need extra kitty love but i just wish he'd get off my key board while I'm typing. He's an only kitty again, if he gets bored he can always play with the dog.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

I woke up to a bad morning. My Gypsy had passed away. She had been sick for a few days and i feared this would happen. She was only about 9 years old. I took a day off from my dieting, I gave myself a free day. Even though it was "free" and i could run a muck i still think i did pretty good. i think i was wanting some comfort foods, I did get a large sweet tea from McDonald's and had a burger for dinner. She was such a good kitty. She used the toilet, how great is that? She will be missed, my sweet little angel.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

All in a days work

Today was a very busy day for me. I woke up at 8am, by the time i showered, packed a lunch bag and collected my things i didn't leave the house til almost 10. I made breakfast when i got to work and warmed up the coffee i had made at the house. I got it too hot and couldn't drink it, it tasked scorched to me. Lynn, the lady i sit with, and I decided to go to the movies (don't hate me because i get paid to go to the movies). We meet my mom at the movies and i shared some of her popcorn, I told myself i wasn't going to buy popcorn. After that we went to chick fil a, her favorite place. I discovered that they have carrot and raisin salad instead of fries and its pretty good. When we got back to Lynn's i barely got her settled when her sister came home and i left there and went straight to Hanna's (another person i work with). She and I talked for a while and then i helped her clean on her room some. After about an hour her mother came home and we all went for dinner. They wanted to go to Tijuana Flats, i had never been before. I got a kids meal because I'm #1 cheap, #2 kids meals are usually enough and #3 i didn't want to invest allot of money in something i didn't know if i was gonna like. i was really impressed with the quality of skinless, harmone free, white meat chicken in the burrito. By the time i got back the Hanna's home and left for home myself it was after 8pm. I think i did very well for being out all day. i took lunch with me just in case i got to Lynn's and she wasn't feeling up to going out. I had a bag full of snacks, some i ate at the movies in an attempt to stay out of the popcorn bucket. I was worried about not being about to eat sensibly when i was out all day but I'm becoming more and more confident that i can do it.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

What's for dinner?

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said 301.2. Wow!! being that close to under 300 made me not want to eat today. I bumped it around on the floor and stepped back on it. . . . 303.2, wooho, i get to eat today!! I tried a few more times and 303.2 each time. I told you those scales are broken.

I'm gonna cook dinner tonight but can't decide what to have, I love mexican and i can make taco's at home and eat till i wanna barf and still not overdo it on the calories. But then again i kinda want to have stir fry. Again i know how to make it so i can eat and not feel deprived and still come in under calorie goal. So I'm off to the store to buy all the making for both, what ever i don't have tonight will be perfect to tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Wednesday Weigh In 303.6

So far today has been a much better day than yesterday. I've eaten very sensibly. I have found that it doesn't do me any good to pack a bag and not take it with me. I forgot it again today and by 1pm i was starving. i broke down and ate 3 Reese's miniatures. I went to walmart hungry and bought more than i went in for. So on the ride home i had hot wings from the deli, just two. I've started keeping track again in my fitday and went back to see when i started, April . . . 2002. Almost 6 years, i can't believe it. If i had stuck to it then I'd be a different me now and would've only had a high weight of 285.

I'm trying to have a whole different attitude about it this go around. I'm not going to be so tough on myself, I was thinking and I want to enjoy life and not let food control me. I need to find foods that are good for me and still sensible everywhere. Like today, i was stuck out in the world with no lunch bag, i had to make good choices, and i think i did for the most part. My job is kinda hard on a diet too because I'm at someone else's mercy at times. What if they wanted to go to Cici's? Could i eat at Cici's for less than 2000 calories? I don't know and honestly don't want to test myself to find out, but these things are gonna come up. What if i get stuck in a waiting room for 3 hours like yesterday. I was so hungry i wanted to eat a Meat Lovers Deep Dish Pizza Hut pizza all by myself. I didn't though.

Lack of Motivation

I just can't seem to pull myself together. i really want to do this, but obviously not bad enough or I'd find a way within me to get it going. I need motivation. What do y'all use for motivation? Help.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

I had great hopes for today. It started out good. I made half a bagel for breakfast with water to drink. I than had to leave for work, i had collected a few snack items in a bag i had planned on bringing along. I also had anticipated being able to go out for lunch. I had wanted to go to subway. On my way to work i dropped half my bagel and it got dirty. I don't like dirty food. When i got to work i found that leaving was not an option. I would be stuck her until someone returned and who knows how long that will be, there was a letter saying they were going to St Augustine after church and as always to help myself to anything in the house. There wasn't too much in the house that i could eat. I ended up with Doritos and sausage. The day isn't over yet, i guess i could make a great rebound and maybe even exercise.

My Healthy me Challenge Introduction

I've always been over weight. My grand mother taught me to appreciate good food. She was a wonderful cook. She showed love by taking care of you and what better way to be taken care of than being fed? I sure was loved! I steady gained an average of 10 pounds a year since i was born. Except when i dieted about 5 years again and lost 40 pounds but i hurt my ankle and quickly undid all the hard work i had done. So, now I'm 34 weigh 306 and miserable. I've only attempted once before to lose weight and was quite successful, i felt great, i could even cross my legs again. (There's me a nonscale goal). I've been trying for about 2 months now to diet again and I just CAN'T. I can't get it going. I've bought all the right foods and done all the research but just can't do it. I'm going to bed now and tomorrow morning is a new day and I WILL DO IT. (not much of an intro, huh?)

What I would like to have happen in my life in 2008

Lose weight - i need to lose allot of pounds but honestly any would be fabulous.

Exercise - Something i don't do enough of, i know if i would just get on my treadmill and get my heart going i would feel 100x better.

Daily Meditation/Devotion - Time for myself and my thoughts. Time to reflect and ponder.

Attend a meeting - at least once a week, i must get back to that, and my step work.

Charge Nothing - I owe, I owe, off to work i go. I will not charge a single nother thing to a charge card and i will work to payoff the ones I've got maxed out now.

Owe less - This goes along with the last. Husband time - I feel bad because I don't spend quality time with my husband. i, we, need to plan more alone time. I've heard that you have to work at marriage, that's true.

Be organized - Oh God, help me!!!

Clean and Orderly House - If the house was in better order I'd be happy. People say, "I just want to be happy" but most couldn't tell you what does it mean to be happy. I can't. A clean and orderly home.

Wash my face - i don't take care of myself, face included. I'm getting older and the signs of age are creeping up on me and my face. i need to commit to a nightly wash before bed, I should moisturize too.

Brush my teeth - Another area i neglect. Brushing once a day would be an improvement. I'd like to take care of my teeth while i still have them all.

Shower Daily - I don't get it, when i was in high school i showered every morning before the sun shined. Now I struggle to shower every other day. Granted, sweating is my least favorite thing but i live in Florida now. Come on Wendi.

Take a vitamin - I think if i found a good multi vitamin I would feel better, i can't take iron so I've just never bothered but I'm missing out on all the other stuff.

Grow my business - Build my business so that i can just do administrative rather that the actually work also.

People Skills - Lord, Father God, help me with this one too. I need to develop finesse when dealing with stupid people, and learn to keep my mouth shut and my ears open. Stop being sarcastic, that never helps.

Use my time more wisely - I'm horrible with my time. i procrastinate everything. I've got paperwork I should be doing right now. What do today what I can put off til tomorrow . . . or the day after that.

Keep my Paperwork up to date - honestly it makes me want to cry. I love my job but the paperwork makes me want to go back to overdrawn whiners at the call center, I will do my paperwork daily!! (once i get caught up)

Stop swearing its not very lady like and it probably makes Jesus sad.

Stop driving like an Idiot, I'm gonna kill somebody or myself. Killing myself defeats the whole purpose of losing weight and being more healthy.

Wear my seat belt every time i get in a moving vehicle, especially if I'm driving.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Large sweet tea please

OK, its three full days into '08 and i haven't gotten busy yet. I've heard that you shouldn't start a resolution on the first because you don't stick to it. I guess that's true for me. Honestly I'm miserable! I'm so fat i can't move! I need to stop talking about it and actually DO something about it. My weakness is SWEET TEA! It's evil and I can't get through a day without popping into McDonald's and filling up. That stuff is so sweet you can feel the grit. I'm not sure why its liquid and not a solid, I've seen 'em make it. A 5 pound bag of sugar in a four gallon container. Its so so good. I could go on and on about it. The problem is that I feel like a total failure when i just can't resist it and that makes me eat cheese puffs and pizza. Pizza makes me not want to exercise (not that i do anyway). I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not ready to give up the Tea. i know I should, I really want to, I just can't. Am i an addict? So the plan for tomorrow is to work on the other area's that i can address, stop feeling bad about the tea and control/change what i can.

One of my problems is that i have too many issues that need addressing. I want to fix them all NOW. I get frustrated that I can't just be the person i what to be overnight. i can't do that. i need to take small baby steps, set small manageable goals that I can control and feel like I've achieved something.