Im a big fat failure

I haven't done ANYTHING, i'm a miserable excuse of a blob of a being. I need to, no i must find the strength within to get off my oversized rumpis and do something, even if it's wrong!

Ever been there?

How did you get out?

. . . . the meds aren't working.

I'd been looking at my treadmill for days, a week even. You'd think if i spent all that money getting it fixed i would be jumping at every oppurtunity to use it. NOT. It took me more than a week but yesterday, i did it. I only got in one lap before my back started hurting again but i ended up with three laps. It felt good. Good that i got it done and i fell like i've begun. Today i did it again.

My Life is Out of Control

I have to do something, my life is out of control. Only what do i do? If i knew and more importantly had the will power and self motivation to do it i wouldn't be in this place of dread and self loathing. I'm back up to 308 only 12 pounds from my highest point ever. I hate it. Week before last my husband brought my treadmill in from out of storage. Of course it didn't work. I waited another week for the repair guy to come and charge me almost $400 to fix it. Now here it is a week after that and i haven't gone near it. I just knew if it were here i would use it. How much easier could it be? i want to use it, I know i would feel better afterward. Why haven't i done it? I'm tired of feeling like my life is on hold, cuz it's not, it's flying by me and I'm missing it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm substandard, I'm not even sure what I'm substandard to. I'm just tired of feeling like it. I'm mostly tired of my husband. He won't go away. I guess he thinks I'm not serious about I feel like this marriage is not working and done trying. Why does he think he can make me love him?

I'm going to NC on Aug 18 and will turn 36 on Aug 20. I'd like to think that I'm going straighten up and "get busy", I'm gonna try. . .

My Life in a Nutshell (recent catchup)

I meet a gal, thought we could be good friends. (it has been a long time since I've had a "girl" friend). Hung out all the time. She was great. She started caring-on with my husband behind my back. Planing and plotting to be together. Husband crossed a line. I yelled and hollered, spit, slobbered and cried. Husband said he loves me and only wants to be with me. Fine after many weeks of soul searching i decided if he would abide by a few simple rules then we would try it again.

The Rules you may ask?
1. What the movie Fireproof. (i also wanted him to take the intitative to get the book and work the days)
2. Develope a relationship with God.
3. DECLUTTER (my house is a wreak, much like my life)
4. Make a list of what it means to be a good husband and what a good marriage consist of.
5. Make a list of what it is to be a good dad to Tara. (very specific)

He did really good for a while. Made me feel like the center of the universe. Now not so much. He is now going to church, rented the movie, bought the book but didn't journal like it said and stopped after 17 days. House is still a wreak and i have no list's. In the mean time, said ex-bestfriend was/is my employee. I know, I know, not the smartest thing to be BFF's with an employee. I forgave and tried to get past the past. I did very well. Now said ex-bestfriend is going and telling another employee something i said behind her back, she also told something else which she shouldn't of. Now I'm very mad at her and no longer want to work with her. I'd love nothing more than to fire her, I'm so so so tempted. So this person, that i have known for 14 years, that she was telling things to takes me aside today and ask me about it. We talked and got things straighted out. I'm just really ticked that ex-BFF has the nerve to go saying things. She not very mature. I want to go to her house and make her life miserable. I won't cuz i don't like drama and this would just make matters worse. At the same time, I DON'T LIKE DRAMA and this gal is just piling it up high.

Now, with all that said. I have come to realize that while i love my husband, I really don't like him. He is demanding and overbearing. He is moody, grumpy and ill all the time. For the most part, no one like him. I can't say anything about work or he gets pissy (I'm the boss, he's the employee).

I don't know what to do.